I am unsure how to express the feeling that goes along with putting your dog down, your best friend for so many years. I am not one of those morally opposed to the concept, and in fact I think that it is the right thing to do when the pet that you love so much is in the place between living a life and just being alive. It is a little puzzling to me that this thing is not allowed for people in similar situations - except for Oregon. I just am unsure how to describe the feelings that I am feeling right now, and the responsibilities that I feel in doing all of this.
Our dog Maxie was my first dog. We bonded on the second date with my wife, when I suggested that we take Maxie with us. He was barking so much as we were leaving, that I figured it was a real good idea, as well as a way to woo Trudy. Max is a guy dog, a real guy, but not a frisbee playing guy. Maxie loved to play, and to interact with people, to show off his personality, but to be treated like a king. Like the guy you see out at Katana, Maxie had lots of style. Maxie was able to show all of this and show real love and affection. He was affectionate with his licks and kisses, with his cuddling while watching TV, or at night when he curled up with us on the bed. So much love, it always amazed me.
When we lived in the apartment in Beverly Hills, Maxie loved to go out on walks. The problem was that he was always on a leash, and never really got to walk around on his own or run. When we moved to the hills in Sherman Oaks, I got Max walking off the leash as soon as I could. Our walks were now on the winding roads that are empty of any traffic. What made my heart soar was when we got close to our house, towards the end of the walk, Maxie and I would race home, full speed, for over a block. Maxie looked like the flying dog in The Never Ending Story, with his fur swept back and looking very very heroic. I would always look at Max as we got to the front door, and he was always panting and smiling. That was Maxie - smiling all the time, whether it was from a walk in the hills, from taking him into the city, or just hanging around the house. That smile.....
Max has not been like that for a few years. He aged a lot after our neighbor's dog bit him, and he became an indoor dog, even though he still had the smile and the love. The affection that he so powerfully demonstrated all the time has been slowly slipping away of recent. But what has been so damn hard is the affection that he has continued to show, even as his legs became unstable, his gait became short, his efforts to be mobile have gone away. During the last two weeks, more and more each day, the light in his eyes and the affection that he had always shown has faded into his naps, more and more and longer and longer each day. Today, for the first time, I saw that the light in his eyes was not there, even though his eyes were open.
I feel that I don't want Maxie to suffer, not for a moment. I so much don't want this that I've told myself we should put Max down before he starts to suffer, and not after. For this, my responsibility has been to figure out when is he about to suffer, and at that moment to act. I cant bear the thought of being wrong on this decision. Too soon and I feel like a thief. Too late and I feel uncaring and cruel. For all the mistakes that I make, I hope to god I'm not wrong this time. I have a responsibility to my love, my Maxie, to make sure that his life is right, up to the very last second of his life. Even though I know that Maxie is leaving us, and that we have to help him leave, I cannot bear the thought that all the things that I know about my dog, his mannerisms, his appearance, his expressions, and the look in his eyes, that I might not know my dog well enough to help him at the right time.
I love you Maxie, and I hope that you know that. We'll be able to talk about all of this someday in the future, and when we do, I hope that you still love me as much as I love you.
